By Dr. Adi Moorman
Jen (not her real name) walked into my office on a sunny Thursday afternoon and burst into tears. She was an energetic woman in her late 40s, with bright eyes and a kind smile. “I’m not sure what’s wrong with me,” she said.
Jen was married and had just launched her youngest son off to college. For the past twenty-some years, she had devoted herself to raising her children and creating a warm, loving home. She was deeply proud of her kids, and especially proud of her younger son for stepping into this next stage of life. Jen had always been the caretaker. She was active in her children’s schools, their sports, and the community. She also had a professional career and a good, supportive circle of friends.
Jen felt she had done everything right. She’d prepared for this moment since her children were young, and she was proud of their success and of the family she’d built. She was still exercising. She still had her hobbies, her career, her friends. But something was missing. She felt like the spark had gone out of her life.
Her husband was supportive and encouraging, but he didn’t quite understand what else he could do. He missed the kids too, but he was also looking forward to a little more peace and quiet in this new stage of life.
So what actually happens to marriages once a couple becomes empty nesters?
Several longitudinal studies have found no meaningful change in marital satisfaction or the frequency of disagreements after children leave home. One study even found that women’s marital satisfaction increased once the kids were gone. It seems that women enjoyed their time with their husbands more, and appreciated it more, once the day-to-day demands of parenting eased.
In other words, the popular idea that becoming empty nesters puts a marriage at greater risk of divorce simply isn’t supported by the clinical data.
That said, there are a few things couples can do to strengthen their marriage as they move into this new chapter:
Spend quality time together.
- Schedule time for each other. Plans can be as simple or as elaborate as you like.
- The goal is to connect and check in with your partner.
- You can’t expect to feel engaged and supported by your spouse if you’re not making the effort to listen and be present for them in return.
- Consider building a new routine together, or picking up a shared hobby or interest.
Show and voice your appreciation.
- Everyone wants to feel valued, not taken for granted.
- Notice the small, thoughtful things your partner does, and say thank you. Out loud, and often.
- This simple habit builds the kind of communication, respect, and trust a marriage needs to keep growing.
Communicate clearly.
- If you need something, ask for it. Make it a gentle request, not a demand.
- If you have something to say, say it with warmth and softness.
- Don’t expect your partner to read your mind, no matter how many years you’ve been together.
- This is another good moment to consider taking up a new routine or hobby as a couple.
Jen’s story is a reminder that even when you’ve done everything “right,” the empty nest can still bring up real grief and real questions about identity and connection. The good news: research suggests most marriages don’t just survive this transition. Many grow stronger through it.